|"She's Taller Than Most"
||[Feb. 14th, 2007|04:20 pm]
So, something completely ludicrous in honor of this, Valentines Day.|
Title: She's Taller Than Most
Rating/Warning: PG (language)
Category: John/Rodney - est.rel - crack!fic (gender!swap, eh gads!)
“Don’t say it.”
Rodney’s mouth fell open and he made flappy hands in John’s general direction so John rolled his eyes and muttered, “Fine, if it’ll stop you doing that then go right ahead.”
“You’re a girl!”
“You’re… kinda the same,” Elizabeth said, grinning when John threw a scowl in her direction. He was still tall and lean, with tousled brown hair and green eyes but just… a girl. “If you had a sister…”
“Oh my god,” John groaned, slouching in his seat.
“What actually happened?” Carson asked, shining a pen-light in John’s right eye and then his left.
“You should aim a little lower with that thing,” John snapped, grabbing at his own chest with both hands and Rodney choked on the potato chip he’d just put in his mouth.
“You know, that’s not very lady-like,” Carson observed with a wry grin.
“I’ll show you lady-like,” John growled and Rodney ran for it.
“We’re about the same size and you have to,” Laura said, holding out what John had called a lacy torture device.
“I don’t have to do anything,” John snorted. “I may be a girl but I’m still the boss of you.”
“You do realise you’re basically giving every marine and air-force guy in the place a complex because they’re getting hard-ons around you. Do you really want to lose most of your staff to mental-health leave?”
“That’s not funny.”
“I’m not joking,” Laura said, reaching forward and poking John in the chest. “You gotta tame those puppies or we’re going to have a lot of guys with whiplash.”
“Don’t you have something a little less… fussy? And maybe black?”
Laura rolled her eyes, digging in the chest at the end of her bed and finally coming up with a plain cotton, black bra. “Fine,” she huffed.
“Can you help me with it?” John asked, holding the bra like it was a poisonous snake.
“Way too surreal for me,” Laura said, backing up with her hands out. “How about you get Rodney to help you. Katie Brown said he’s an expert.”
John slapped a hand to his face.
“Stop sniffing me,” John snapped, turning on Ronon.
“Sorry,” he said, grinning. “You just smell so… different.”
“You make a move and I will cock-punch you,” John warned and Ronon threw his head back and laughed.
“You do realise that saying something like that isn’t making you less attractive to me, don’t you?”
“You’re a weird guy,” John sighed, shaking his head.
Refuge was found in Teyla’s quarters. She was the only person who seemed able to treat him exactly the same.
Right up until John complained about feeling ineffectual because he was currently a woman.
“So…” Rodney began, standing in John’s door and hopping from foot to foot.
“So?” John prodded, toeing his boots off. He’d gotten a pair of Lorne’s and didn’t that just tickle him that Lorne was the only person who’s boots would fit.
As soon as he stopped being a woman, Lorne wouldn’t hear the end of it.
John was unbuckling his pants when Rodney cleared his throat. “We haven’t, um… since you…” Rodney waved a hand in John’s general direction and John looked at him, head canted.
“I figured you wouldn’t want to since I’m… lacking something you seemed to enjoy,” John said, grimacing.
“Oh, right,” Rodney nodded, flushing pink. “Just, the thing is, what I enjoy is… you know… you.”
It was John’s turn to flush. “Oh, well, I mean, I would if you would.”
“Yes, really Rodney,” John said, chuckling.
“I mean, it would be remiss of us not to anyway,” Rodney continued in a rush. “To the scientific community at large.”
“My god, Katie was right,” John said, grinning and Rodney frowned. “You are terrible with women.”
“So, awesome recovery time being a woman,” John observed in the darkness.
“Still the same old for me,” Rodney grumbled, arresting John’s wandering hand. “You’re going to have to give me at least an hour.”
“Are you sure about that?” John purred, hooking his leg over Rodney’s middle and levering himself up and over.
“Everything feels different,” Rodney said. “Except your knees. They feel the same for some reason.” Rodney ran his fingertips over John’s bent knees and John jerked, the ticklish sensation settling low in his belly.
“Am I a pretty girl or do I just look weird?” John asked and Rodney’s eyes widened.
“You’re a pretty guy, you’re a confusingly beautiful girl,” Rodney said and John smiled.
“Okay, I take it back.”
“The bad with women thing,” John said, curling over to rest his cheek against Rodney’s chest.
“I just don’t know why they would need a device that swaps a person’s gender,” Rodney huffed, eyeing the small red disc that Radek had finally found to be the source of John’s transformation.
It had been in a box marked ‘do not touch on pain of McKay wrath’ so of course John had picked it up as soon as he’d ventured into their labs.
“I found reference to a first incarnation of the plague that went through the population. While males recovered, females did not. This was all they could do to maintain their population once the contagion was contained.”
“Can we turn him back?” Rodney asked, watching John swinging his legs idly as he sat perched on Rodney’s lab table. Rodney had grown to like John’s girl-legs a great deal. They were still finely muscled but had a shapeliness to them that Rodney found compelling.
“I imagine so. I’m sure there would have been some males who went through the change and then found that they could not function or reconcile the difference mentally and for their health and well-being, would have been returned to their true form.” Radek explained.
“But some people would have lived out their lives changed?” John asked, not lifting his face. He suddenly seemed to find his feet fascinating.
“Wait, John? What are you saying?” Rodney asked, turning on him.
“I dunno,” John said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess I’ve just gotten used to being this way.”
“You’ll get used to being a guy again,” Rodney protested and John looked up finally, something resigned on his face.
“I guess so.” He slipped down from Rodney’s table and crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay, go ahead. Zap me.”
“Wait, if you’re not sure…?” Rodney started as Carson came barrelling into the room, waving his arms.
“Wait, stop!” he gasped, leaning over his knees to catch his breath.
“What?” Radek, Rodney and John asked.
“John’s last blood test. I found… he’s pregnant!” Carson said when he’d gotten his breathing under control.
Rodney was the one who fainted.
“It explains the mood swings.”
“I don’t have mood swings.”
“Oh really? You started yelling at me about leaving my wet towels on the bathroom floor a week ago.”
“So?! We were having sex at the time.”
Elizabeth was waiting him out, trying to make him talk first.
He wasn’t going to, except she had this way of staring.
“We were careful,” he finally said, rubbing his forehead.
“What? Did you stand on your head afterwards?”
John couldn’t help the laugh that escaped and Elizabeth sighed, dropping her head into her hands. “There are a million things wrong with this,” she said. “I’m not even sure how to begin to explain it.”
“Maybe ask Colonel O’Neill. Apparently there’s a Major Benning who started life as a guy and is now a mother of three.”
“You’re kidding,” Elizabeth breathed, blinking rapidly.
“C’mon, you can’t honestly think this is the first time something like this has happened?”
“Oddly enough, I did,” Elizabeth grumbled.
“I’m not marrying you.”
“Did I ask?”
“No, but I could tell you were thinking about it.”
“How do I know it’s even mine?”
“I’m going to pretend for your sake that you didn’t say that.”
“I’m just letting you know, for future reference.”
“So we’re going to be one of those modern couples? Like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel?”
“They’re going to send me back.”
“Not if I can help it. I have fifteen different ways to send Atlantis to the bottom of the ocean and that’s where it’s going if you get your marching orders.”
“That’s sweet. A little disturbing, but sweet.”
“Anything for you hon-”
“Call me honey and I will un-man you.”
“Honorable Colonel. I was totally going to say Honorable Colonel!”
“Sure you were.”
“I’m completely terrified.”
“Oh good. I thought I was the only one.”